Thursday, December 25, 2008

Girls Nights Out

Not long ago, I was asked what I don't like about "Girls nights out".

Tha answer is just that I don't like that my wife would prefer to take the effort to go out and have fun with someone else than with me. I don't care that she's out and having fun. I care that she'd prefer to be out and having it with NOT me. It's not that I get mad or upset, or that I care to control where she is or who she's with, etc. . . It's just a bummer to me that on that night I'm not #1.

Sorry to everyone to whom I sound like a tyrrant. I'm sorry to my wife who has to put up w/ my desire to be her #1 option every night. I love my wife. I hope she's always happy. I'll do my best to help that happen--including try not to be offended on the nights she'd prefer to be NOT with me.

So, here's to girls nights out.


Andrea said...

Sometimes Mom needs to look out for #1 (herself) to be the best wife/mom that she can be. And Dad should just be understanding of that and put her feelings before that of his own. Let her go out unanchored by your feelings. But again, to each his own, I won't judge...

Blaineusa said...

Ann, here'r my 2 thoughts as a response:

1- you're right; successful marriages entail more than a 50/50 equal effort. Unless each party is willing to give 100%, there will probably be a breakdown somewhere (while, ironically, EXPECTING 100% from your partner is almost always a recipe for disappointment.) So, you're right that I should give 100% of my heart to Lisa and what she needs in order to reach her highest potential for self actualization; and I'm honestly trying to do that. (As an aside--my hope in this marriage is that she'll do the same for me; and I feel she does.)

2nd thought: I feel like a failure when Lisa has to look outside our relationship for her best prospect for self-fulfillment. I'm happy to put those feelings away (as you suggest) if it helps my wife feel more complete, but it doesn't change that those feelings exist. I wish I could give her everything she needs.

And to address the 'double standard' question, I can honestly say I would gladly give up all my friends, colleagues, and associations (including golf, raquetball, etc.)--even my family ties--if it meant better securing the union between Lisa and me. I guess this is how I interpret the meaning of the phrase: 'Cleave unto her, and none else'.

Wade Hone said...

Interesting take Blaine, not being married makes me the perfect person to say what the 'real' right thing is in this. (please note the 'tongue in cheek' tone that sentence is supposed to establish here,)

I know you'd expect nothing less than my honest opinion on every thing that you have to say, so here it is. (but since it's your blog, I'll try to be concise.)

A. : It is absolutely wonderful that you have such desires to want to be your wife's #1 every night. However, that's not really anything too new I think, it's just human nature. Truth be told, I'd like to be every one's #1 every day and night! that's just kinda how we're made, every one likes to be liked.

B. : Something didn't sit 100% with your statements, but it's kinda hard to put a finger on exactly what it is...

I think it stems from the fact that I'm pretty sure that your wife really does put you as her "#1 Option," not only that but that she also wants you to know that you are #1 in her life. I'm betting that you know all that - and I think perhaps the 'unease' that I felt was that somehow, in your statements, it makes it seem like that by her wanting time with her friends, that some how that put you at the back of the bus, and out of that #1 spot. That being the case - even if the intent wasn't there, it still felt somehow kind of 'manipulative' in it's nature - I think that's what was putting me off. (but of course I may be Wrong, too.)

C. - Z. : your feelings of failure by not being able to provide %100 of what another human needs for fulfillment (spouse or otherwise,) are unfortunate, but natural.

Just like mans desire for others to like them, the desire to be all the social nourishment for some one stacks right up there with what makes us tick as human.

It would be fantastic if in the world we could pair off as mates, and receive %100 of our social nourishment from that mate wouldn't it! Fantastic yes, but as long as both people have at least basic psychological fitness, it is also impossible.

Friends, colleagues, and associations (including golf, Church, School, raquetball, etc.)-- and especially family ties including children, all play a part in making a persons life more rich, wonderful, and enjoyable.

So to sum up, yes, it's natural to want people to like you, especially your wife and kids, them probably most of all!

Yes, it's natural to wish that you could completely fulfill %100 of their social needs. But as I'm sure you would agree, one person could not possibly fulfill %100 of another persons social needs while maintaining healthy psychological/social well being in the person who's needs were being fulfilled.

You stated that you should be willing to give %100 of your heart to your wife to help her reach her highest potential. The desire to help her, combined with your already strong ability to keep the 'natural man' within you in check, will serve you well in the effort to keep the 'feelings' (listed above,) that you have at the proper healthy levels.

Ok, so I wrote all that, and it might sound like I'm all for Dads n Moms of the world having their own Girls and Boy's nights out, but honestly I can't say that I am all for em.

Now, I'd be a Hypocrite if I said I wasn't the cause of quite a few 'Guys nights out' - LAN Parties that I have held, have caused more than enough tension between a guy and his girl I'm sure. but that said, one of the coolest things that I've seen is a LAN party where mostly couples go. (yes they really do happen, heh.) I know that some of the wife's and girlfriends aren't 'that into' Games - but how cool that they are sharing in their significant others hobbies. I have no idea if it's 'reciprocal' and the guy's go with their wives to scrap booking classes or what not, but if they did, I'd think that was awesome too.

That said, I still have to say that I can see danger of guys or girls grouping up and developing new and strengthening old relationships with others, where their spouse isn't present.

I imagine that's where the 'cleaving' comes into play - just wanting to have your spouse be a part of the social growth that goes on in your life would be a pretty big thing. It's pretty unlikely that husband and wife can do every thing together, and I imagine you can find plenty of 'experts' in the field that might even encourage the development of 'separate' social circles, but something inside me cries out that it's just better if you can include your (potentially eternal,) companion in those social development times.

The other draw back I see - is, at least at my LAN parties, when the guys congregate, there may be some 'bashing' on their wife that goes on a bit - and honestly, that's just a recipe for relationship problems.

So, ya, I'm not a big fan - but saying that, I'll recognize that a) I'm a hypocrite and cause many a 'hanging out with the guys' opportunities, and b) that my attitude is at least somewhat influenced by the house hold that I was raised in. I don't think I've ever heard Mom described as "not the jealous type." and her attitudes and and insecurities were gained as she grew up I imagine in her household. So, we all have a bit of baggage that we carry into relationships, we all have 'enemy to God,' natural human desires and feelings that need to be struggled against, and we all hope that we are growing and progressing towards becoming better people, and seeking more eternal things.

Wooops, it looks like I treated this as one of my own blog entries, even after saying I'd try not to.

Thanks for letting me hijack it Blaine.

I love how thought provoking your Blog is! keep em coming!

Wade -out.

Lhone said...

Blaine knows my feelings, so all I'll say is: "stop talking about me like I'm not here!"